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Enshadowed
Fire Castle
Posts: 619
The little village of Sernon is eternally enshadowed by the huge Capital that moulders to the West. The distance between the two is only a few miles. As a result, the Capital's hugely powerful armies siege the village day and night, causing mayhem and panic. Sernon was once the Capital's twin city, but as Sernon's armies were much less than the Capital's, the Capital attacked Sernon day in, day out, until Sernon was reduced to an area only two or three miles across. The Capital was also very developed on weapons; they had over 190 steel battering rams, over 300 seige towers and over 80 trebunchets. The Capitol would never stop, and the citizens of Sernon were always looking for revenge. Ajax was one of these citizens. He and his rebel ring sneaked out of Sernon disguised as gift-bringers to the Capitol.
Their first plan was very daring, but was not perfect.
Ajax slung a rope ladder over the Capital's walls and hastily climbed up. His followers did the same. Now, the Capitol had a huge food supply, and if anything went wrong in it, the people of the Capitol would have to get their own food. Ajax's plan was to set fire to the food storage and, amongst the confusion, creep away.
"You got the flints, Mendon?" he whispered.
"Yes," Mendon breathed back. They helped the other members over the rope ladder, and, when they were all over, Ajax tied the rope ladder across his shoulder and around his waist. They crept off towards the storage. The storage was a huge, wooden, 4-storeyed building. Ajax and his group ran towards it. They gently pushed open the door and peered in. The whole room was stacked from floor to ceiling with the thing that was extremely scarce in Sernon: food.
Ajax and his group grabbed about a pound of food each and shoved the food into their pouches. Then, in a flash, they got out thir flints, and hastily bashed them together. Hge, silver sparks flew onto the crates of food, and within seconds, the whole room was alight. Ajax and his friends sighed with relief.
"So, think you've been clever, eh?" growled a voice from behind them.
Ajax whipped round. There, in front of the food storage, was a whole troop of city guards, and they were fully armoured with swords, maces, spears and crossbows.
Do you like my story so far?
PS if you don't like it, don't gloat over it like some people do. Just say, "Fire, I don't think this is the BEST thread" or something like that.
Comments
but dont get pist because i posted here ok
Actually the shortest books have about 45 pages to 100
Also,there are books more than 1000 pages long.Back to the topic,this is a great stroy sofar,though it would have been nice if you made the beggining a bit more detailed,like the history of the land and stuff
ERAGON is a good series too. I am reading the compound as I type (Littarally, lol)
OMG dude I LOVE ERAGON!! What book are you on?I finished the series,and I have the alst book Inheritance.
If I can, I'll type next part today.
Anyway, next part.
Part One.
Ajax bent down in half a second, and kicked the captain of the guard. The captain fell over and roared with anger. By now, the flames were weakening the pillars of the storage. A guard lifted his sword and struck one of Ajax's men white to the bone. Ajax leaped onto the guard and stamped down hard on the guard's nose. A different guard thrust Ajax back into the storage. Ajax was about to go beserk when the storage roof fell in. The fire was roaring.
"Go!" yelled Ajax. His men grabbed their belongings and ran. Ajax heaved himself out from underneath the floor above and sprinted after his men. He could hear Capital people screaming but he did not care. He was running for his life. He tossed a flint into the window of a house, and was satisfied by a shriek from inside. He slung the rope ladder over the wall and had almost finished climbing down when-
CRRAASSHHH.
A civilian in one of the houses had thrown a bucket of stones at him, and Ajax felt a sharp snap in his arm. He struggled to remain consciuous when he saw another person approachin with a hammer. This person lifted the hammer and brought it down with as crash.... right on Ajax.
Part 2 coming soon.
i didnt read it ive just seen the movie
Story: I like the idea. It has great potential. Sernon should be further from the Capital, but otherwise it's good in that respect. I don't like the name Ajax. It's dumb to me. Mendon is good. Also, things happen too fast. Give more detail. When things just happenhappenhappen it is not fun to read. Keep in mind that we don't see what you see in your imagination. We only see what you tell us. Describe things, people, places, etc, and always give a size.
Intrigue: Virtually zero. I have almost no desire to keep reading. Either Ajax dies(which no one would care about, he isn't the hero everyone loves yet) or he doesn't, in which case he escapes and tries something else.
Quality: Spelling and grammar aren't great, try to work on this. Story quality is good. See first section.
Fun: With a little work, very!
Oh, and don't say "Part 1, Part 2." If you write properly and steadily, you will end up with part 167, part 294, etc. I don't know that anyone cares what part it is.
Hope this is helpful. I mean no offense, just want to say what I think. Good luck, I will keep reading this if I remember.
Ha! Only finished once? I'm on my third read(in a row!).
I appreciate all your encouragement and I really enjoy what you said above (quoted). I'm sure your spelling & grammar was top notch when you were 13. I also respect all your support, and when you wite a story/make comics/ do information threads, I will be completely sure to be as encouraging and supportive as you were to my thread. I have spent a long time typing the story up so far, I had to train for the rugby tournament, and you have made my stressful time really worth it with your comments.
Happy Gaming
I am 13. Good response, though. Some people I know wouldn't have taken my comment that well.
Don't tell people your age until your like, 12. If u publicly announce to people: "Hey I'm 7" or something, then they might become determined to track you down... but don't worry. You probably haven't done net safety in school yet.
never heard of a psycho like that. then again, most people where i live don't even know how to switch a computer on.